I can't stop missing you

So recently I have been wondering towards myself, questioning myself about our relationship. It’s been a month already, where everything started to change. I asked myself why all of this happen, why did you left me alone without telling me a reason why you are leaving. I felt like being drifted away into the ocean of loneliness, seeking for a light of truth. My heart is like a dying star waiting for it’s supernova phase.

 

If I have got a chance to know why you left me like this, I am willing to hear it from you even though it will be painful to be heard. I am waiting for you every single day, seeing every stories you made, perhaps when you were online on WhatsApp where I hope you will reply all my messages even though I said you don’t need to reply for it. To be honest, it is really hurt that you blue tick every messages I have sent to you.

I’ve pretending that I’m fine when you’re not around me anymore, but deep down it’s like I’m being tortured with my mind itself. Every sleepless night I’ve been missing you the whole time. I am missing you in every second, minutes and hours where its will never end. Praying that you will come back to me saying the same thing, feel the same thing that how much I miss you.

I just can’t stop loving you, and I miss you V...

The Unspoken Speech

Where I could hear the sorrow and sadness inside a single speech:

"Sometimes I feel that theres something that blocking my way to love you even more. That I feel insecure when you were not around me. I want to tell you that, how much important you are in my life after my family.  But its hard to show it because, I'm not a kind of romantic person that can describe it how to do it. Sometimes when I'm alone, I just need to be alone and have some space for me to do my work freely without anyone disturbing me ( not because I'm don't want to talk to somebody, but because it's one of my darkside that I want you to know). Well, to get is easy, but to keep it is hard for me. What I mean is that I'm bad in keeping my relationship, and I'm struggling at my peak point to hold on it. Furthermore, you ask me "why I'm act like ignoring you?", it's also one of my darkside that I'm trying to control it. If you think I'm a terrible person 'yes, I am a terrible person', and if you think I didn't love you anymore 'No, I'm still loving you'.  I've got a lot of assignments to do this week and need to be submit it ASAP. You will think I'm not loving you anymore and keep on questioning me this and that. But trust me, if you think that I'm not loving you anymore 'that is definitely wrong in any circumstances'. If I don't love you anymore, why do I keep on texting you the first place? And if you want us to be friend, it's your choice babe, I'm not gonna force you to love me. It's not my decision to make you love me.. if 'jodoh' kita kuat, if Allah memang dah takdirkan kita bersama. InshaAllah we will keep on being together if not today, tomorrow, if not tomorrow, maybe in the future. I'll be waiting for you to make your decision and I'll accept every decision that you make without hesitation. And this week is the most stressful week that you need to know. Eventhough I have time for my social apps, I still got works to do. So have you satisfied with my explanation?
And have a nice day."

The reality of bitterness, with a rose covered with tears. Because loving you is the best part of my life, ever dream of. And now you're gone. Because of the egoism and selfishness of my mortal self. You are the girl that I dreaming about.
I miss you, I really miss you.
Take care yourself, and be kind.
Until we meet again soon, until we meet again...

Motivation talk

As we grown-up, our feeling slowly decapitated by fears. We try to find a way to be someone that we dream off in the near future. And some reason, we stuck between life and love where we struggle to find the exit gateway. I've learn that people nowadays love to chase other people attention (attention seekers). They love to see something that they like to see, rather then something that is called a "failure".

Yes indeed, no one likes to have a failure in their life especially in their love story. Let me tell you what guys and girls, FAILURE is a MUST in order for you to achieve your goals. Remember Alexander Graham, how many times do he tried to make his experiment works? Almost a dozen times. But, he never give up right?. So neither of us, if we failed to do it once. Then try it again until you learn something.

But in love story, if you already tried your best and do everything you got to do. And you keep on failing, then you have to move on. This is what we called "Takde Jodoh" in malay words. Well, maybe someone that much better will replace them or maybe you're not in the right time to do it. Trust me, I've been through a lot about this lovey-dovey things. It's a little bit different from achieving your goals in life (cars, money, jobs) .

Anyways, try to get yourself enjoying your current life. Build up your careers and get back on track that lead towards your dream. You will never regret it once you achieve what you want. And for sure, don't forget to keep on praying to Creator, for your wealthy and healthy. Take care of your parents need. And help someone who really in needs.

That's all from me. Be yourself and enjoy your life while you still can.

A Reality of Dream

sometimes I wonder,
why I keep waiting for a person that ain't coming back for you. I watch from distance, how happy you are when you with him and not me. And its will never be me. Every morning I woke up from bed, wishing that life will get better without you. But, I really do not want this to happen at all.

The truth ain't sweet like sugar,
The bitterness of life keep striking my day. Every dream that I had seems like mocking me, it is a nightmare that haunted me into a restless sleep. I try to ignore the voices of your wishes back when we were together. You always win in every argument.

The distance far beyond the ocean,
You were there. Far across the ocean, watching the Sun settle down and the sky turn into a beautiful arts created by The Almighty. I still remember how much you love to see the sky and enjoy the nature. Everything of you is a blessed that I admire the most. And I'm going to miss that a lots.

I believe that this was a lesson,
A lesson that reminds me to let go all the negative thought that I concealed inside my mind for many years. I'm glad that HE brought us together for a certain time. I hope that you will find a better men who love you more then I love you, spend more time than I have, missing you more then I should be and take care of you with full of his heart.

”Because meeting you is the best thing that happens to my life, forgive me if I have done something that breaks your feeling. I didn't mean it on purpose. Stay healthy, and live boldly my girl. If, the destiny were mean for us. Keep on Du'a, cause that the only things that connects us."

All love,
Dream...

Here I am...

Here I am again,
Waiting for the same girl over and over again. The moon and stars keep on holding all of our thoughts. I can't tell you where will these journey will lead us.

Here I am scared,
Afraid to lose you from my sight. Afraid that everything is going to be disappeared. I keep those memories hold in tight inside my broken heart, just not to let go.

Here I am suffered,
The pain of this waiting, has making me insane. Day by day my awareness to the surrounding fade away. My mind drowning at thought of infinite time.

Here I am hoping,
As the time keep moving in, the space becomes smaller and smaller. A friend of mine gone one by one away from me. The Memories of you live inside my mind. Asking for me to stop.

"Here I am lost inside of your infinite thoughts"

The Future of Us

Everything about you is my favourite,
I don’t know how much time I need to sacrifice for me to reach you out. I spent my days waiting for you to talk with me in social media. Even though sometimes you just give me an emoji for it. I don’t mind at all, as long as I know you were there doing fine as usual. I never give up on you. Cause, you’re my dream that I ask from Him.

If you asked me to wait,
I will wait for you even its take decade for me, cause I’m willing to do it. I don’t know why you make me inspire to do something that I don’t do before. Like I’m started to writing because of you, where you not telling me to do so. Sometimes, the memories just keep on playing inside my mind, thus we only meet once.

I wish that we can see each other again,
However the times just seem to be jealous maybe. For that, I hope that you take a good care of yourself there and do well on your upcoming semester. I will be counting days on meeting you in the future. We still got a lot of work to do, cause we still got many semesters to come. So let us enjoy this time of being a student and cherish everything.

I still have to learn a lot,
About being a matured person. Especially when it’s about love right?. So, let us grow up and learn about how to accept each other and know each other better. Well, it just the matter of time that hold everything in a right places. If The Almighty already wrote you as my destiny, I pray for best and I will be ready for all circumstances. Because, my Mama told me “Carilah jodoh yang boleh jaga kamu dengan sebaik mungkin”. And from that moment I know, I already found one. And it is You I’ve been looking for.

Because girl, your name is beautiful as you are and I want that name to be on my “Lahfaz Nikah“ in the future.

The Dream of Mine

Tell me what it is all about,
The dream of eternity has gone through my mind and awaken me from the oblivion dimension. My time and space has driven me to your beautiful mind that consists of millions thought. The memories of ourselves, slowly devoured by the egoism. And the feeling of our love story surely become a history that never faded.

Everyday I wish this wasn’t true,
My body seems rejecting the reality about the story of our love. The heart keep pushing itself throughout the barriers of getting you back. My mind almost losing its consciousness because of the fact that we are not likely, we used to be. The shadow of mine is now faded out, because of the misery that I have been through.

Have I gone mad?
I keep thinking about how its feel to be on the oblivion world without coming back into the reality. Where all the people you know will eventually didn’t even know your existence. All the memories of you inside them will surely be gone. You become a person, that surely never be missed.

My fantasy has become nightmare,
You is like a drug that killing me slowly. I fly high up in the sky wishing to fall down hard. It’s like drowning yourself inside an ocean of ice. Living in a world full of sweetness that making you sick and slowly die. Laying down on the clouds watching the moon and stars dancing on the sky where the Sun slowly begin to burn you down.

“The dream of Mine”

As The Time Goes, The Memories Remain Unchanged

As the time goes, the memories remain unchanged

Dear my girl,

The moment you read this. I was hoping that you were fine with the situation that we have been through right now. I’m completely understand your decision to not fall in love again. If I know things can be done early, there is no need for both of us to become like this.

Dear my girl,

I’ve tried to forget you already. I tried to move on for a better day. But, the memories that we shared suddenly become the main obstacle for me to forget you. Those day we spent our time is like an immortal sense that cannot die inside the realm of my heart.

Dear my girl,

I was wondering that one day someone will treat you better than the men before you. For now, it just the matter of time that could heal both of us. Even though you’re not mine, my cares towards you are still remain the same.

Dear my girl,

As the time passed by, I’m wishing you to always keep on fighting and happy all the time. Cause I’m missing the way you smile, with those smile is enough to bright up the day. There is a quote by Jackson Brown that says “Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own”. So, seeing you happy is enough for me to keep on living in this mortal world.

Dear my girl,

Be brave to face the reality. Even though we don’t talk anymore like we use to do. My love will always be with you.

“Live boldly. Push yourself. Don't settle.”

May The Pain Go Away

Here I am, laying between my bed wondering every possible ways to get out from this miserable realm. Which I started to realize that every person I love began to fade away little by little. Where did we go wrong?

So I still remember the first time I saw you, where my heartbeat started to beating fast as it could, making me nervous every seconds I'm staring those eyes. Your smile most likely melted the frozen soul of mine. You character bring me chaos inside my mind. And it was just Summer all the time. But, we never had a chance to introduce ourselves never once. So, I started to forget it and move on about those feelings.

As Autumn take place, something just wired my mind. I began to take those chances that I left before. I recall everything that I remembered and embrace everything to know you better. Trying my best to reach out those Brightest Star. Until that day, I defeated my fear at once and ignite the fire of courage. And it goes well even though I am halfway death. Day by day we get to know each other better. And you know what? That's make me happy all the time.

You are the reason I started to smile when the environment around me dragging me down towards the ground. I feel blessed every time you were around me. It's not about love that I wanted here, It was me trying to make friends with you. But, I'm got attached so much. Where the emotions started to posses everything. Words, Actions and Feelings begin to change.

I do not knows unless you speak it out what is going on here. Have I done anything mistake? Or have I hurt your feeling with my words. You suddenly change like the wind blows without colors. You need to listen towards your heart. Yeah, I should tell you earlier about this. But I'm not brave enough to speak it out. Cause it will just gonna make things worst and the pain got deeper.

Yes, you gave me HOPE, but not the hope that you were thinking about. It so vast if you discover it more detail. Which means, there is a misunderstanding here. Everything I've done is to make you happy. Why? Because, you are like my best friend, and I don't want to see my friend suffered.

Try to see things in a different angles, as you will see much likely wider the scope of perspective. I don't wanna lost you now, I never wish for it. But if you really do wanted to leave. I have no power to stop you. Do as you pleased. As long as you happy. It's okay, you can keep everything I gave you. It's yours now. But, if you wishing to stay. I'll be glad to hear that.

I hope you understand now, and I hope you will.

The Day Where The Flower Blooms

THE DAY WHERE THE FLOWER BLOOMS

                As my memories started to fade away, my consciousness began to vanished into the paradox of time. Every time the memories about us triggered my mind, I cried internally. Back when the day we first meet, we were stranger that looking for an opportunity and excitement during that time. We walked on the different path but still in same direction heading toward the light of success. At the first glance I saw you, my eyes go wild and my mind is completely in chaos. I get so nervous that my heart start pounding fast as it could. And then you return a favor by looking back towards my eyes with a smile. I felt like I’m on another world. Too much happiness to devour during that day.

We started to know each other because of that silly drama that we need to do during the ceremony. And many of our friend started to tease us with it. Trust me, at that time I feel so embarrassed and funny in the same time. Shouting for the rescuer for help, while you beside me pretending to be crying and asking for help. After that moment we lost contact for a while. But not long before that, I began to wonder if somehow, we can get in touch through WhatsApp. So basically, what I do is that I tried to ask the people in the same group as you to give me your number. At first, they refuse to give it but as far I can remember you also asking for my number (Is it right?) so they gave up and give it your number to me.

Normally the guy will do the first introduction. But in this case, it was you the one that messaging me first (Its not that I’m not a gentleman okay). I replied your chat and from there we get try the along. Telling our interest and cliché pickup-line (To be honest, the pickup-line is all my idea). Day by day, our conversation getting deeper and deeper. So does our feeling. I started to fall in love with you charismatic and behavior. So, on that night I bravely confess my feeling towards you. And what I did not know is that you also secretly keep the same feeling as I do. So, on 18^th April 2017 we officially in a relationship. The day where the flower blooms. Where our soul intertwined. The beginning of sweet memories to cherish.

But now it is different, now all of that was a memory that will be always in remembered. It’s not that I want to make you feel guilty or something. It’s just that I need to expressed it somewhere so that I can relief my pain about it. You always said that “if you want me. Try to change, change for good and be a better person”. I guess I’m still the same person as I am 2 years ago. I will never be good for you in the near future. It’s the best that you keep on relationship with him. Because, he knows how to take care of your needs and he deserves you. I hope that you will always happy with him.

 If somehow our bonds are getting along again, and if by any chance it works again. I try my best to be the one that you want me to be. But I know it wouldn’t going to happen. And it will never be me, right? And I just wanted to say that today is the day where the flower blooms. And it will always you the one that I admire the most. tu me manques mon beau papillon.

The Dream Of Forbidden

Hey, it’s me again.
How are you been doing lately. It has been an aged that I haven’t heard your news. Did you eat a lot, have you been having fun with your friends, did they treated you well, how about your boyfriend, did he gave all the love that you needed. I know that I didn’t deserve to know about it, but at least I can ease myself a bit by writing this on my blog here. If all of the question are fine, then I’ll be glad to hear that. Cause seeing you happy, makes me feel happy.

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that.
I’ve been dreaming about you lately. All of that dreams seems vivid and I don’t even know why. In that dream, I meet you for the second time (that it might not going to happen in reality). In that dream you were holding a roses, and you were crying heavily seeing me. I’m confused why did you crying so bad. And then I realise that I was there laying on a hospital bed with a life support machine. From there I know that my time won’t be last long. And you said to me that “get to know you is the best part of my life”. Then, I started to cry until that cry makes me feel awake from my sleep. I notice that I really do crying on my bed. I don’t even know why it seems real.

So, I just wanted to say that.
If one day, if that moment comes true. And if that was my last day to be alive on this beautiful earth. I just want you to be strong enough to let me go. Don’t ever cry in front of me on that day, cause it will make me feel more guilty than before. I want you to be yourself, pursuit your dream. Be a successful women you wanted to be. Create love with someone who really cares about you and always there for your. Don’t ever forget about us. I’m sorry for everything I have done before, and you will always have the place inside my heart.

Sincerely,
Love & Hate,
Your former Amor

If The Waiting as Sweet as Sugar

Mona Lisa...
Yeah, I should call you the Mona Lisa of my life. Where the time slowly flies out and I haven't seen you around this lately.. How's your day?

Should I wait or should I give up?
How wonderful it is if the waiting for you as sweet as the candy. Where I could cherish all the moments that I had waiting for you.

My friend said this love is crazy
Can you tell me how to move on. Cause I can't even move a single step to forget you. You're like a curse that making me crazy all this time.

Have the love gone mad...
Some believe that love can make you blind, love can make you feel restless and worse, is that love can make you oblivion . People keep talking here and there about how hard to find a true love. But me, still wondering how time are possible for love.

At the end...
I wish that this waiting can be as sweet as Sugar.

2020 - A message for you

2020 – A Massage for you

Hey, how are you been doing lately?

Life is getting hard nowadays. Yeah I have gotten busy by all the works. Sometimes I even skipped a meal for being too busy with working. But so far, everything seems well here. I have to say that this year is the most likely the worst year ever in my life. Can you believe it, that it is only march and so many things happen already.

I hope you are doing fine,

Because we do not even know what is going to happen next, right?. Stay safe and if can, strictly keep yourself hygiene. Wash your hand every time you touch your surroundings that is unclean, after you do a handshake with someone, before you take your meal and wear mask if you have one. I do not want something bad happen to you in the first place.

If something happen to me I want you,

Keep me in your prayers. I did not even know when I am going to be able to stay healthy with this current situation. So, if you don’t mind? Can you do that. If you can, that will be great and thank you in advance hehe. I also pray that you will always under the protection of Allah. Keep yourself away from crowded places if possible. It’s better to stay at home after work.

Okay, that’s all I just wanted to say right now. May we meet again someday in the future إن شاء الله

The Full moon of 31st

The Full moon of 31^st

        I have suffered from the consciousness of the oblivion world. My time slowly devoured by the million thought of suicidal dimension. It seems that I have already lost my focus on living myself happy. The desire in making something good have faded away making myself a body without a soul. What have I become? Did I just give up to myself? What a shame.

          March turn out to be my Last Resort. But at the end, they betrayed my wishes and hope. Tears turn out to be the redeemer of the pathetic child. The word of “Sorry” always came out from the chapped lips. And by the time March step away, the child begins to be someone seems so hopeless and give up to stay alive. He has left his personality far away behind his past lifetime. And I begin to keep my circle small.  

The full moon of 31^st recently sure to making my day a little bit of delightful, on how nature can be so beautiful and extraordinary. That night has taken my sadness away for a while. I learn how nature sometimes heard our wishes. Those full moon will surely be the greatest gift that I ever had in my life.   

         

The old me will surely be missed. I cannot find myself near the future and I keep wondering around the field of existence. I once believe that life will bring happiness to everyone who wishes for it. But its turn out to be, just a myth that everyone creates to comfort themselves for something they do not want to be in the future. I am such a fool to believe that and regret for every choice that I have make throughout the past.

           I nevertheless, wishing my life to be end between the garden of life and death. Cause, the world that I live now will surely full of hatred and reckless. Thank you for the people that always be with me when I still alive. My wishes for you guys are “Keep on living your live boldly. And enjoy it while it still last”.

さよなら甘い生活

The Night Thoughts (TNT)

A Ticking Bomb...

Time started to crumble and he began to stumble, recklessly his heart turn into an obsidian. Haven’t she saw the road that they use to get through all the mishap started to collapse into the oblivion of their nightmare age. Every second the air that he breathes out became a poison towards their never ending storyline. Why? Why suddenly she show up from the forgotten shadow, and claiming back her love towards the broken heart.

She is someone that he admire the most, he trusted her. His love towards her is like a star that takes a million years to collapse from the lonely universe. But in the end, it was just a dream that will never be truth. The despair has changed him completely. He became insecure in every situation. His heartbeat was completely out of rhythm. While her standing there, watching him suffer between life and death.

He started to get angry in every little thing that he has been through. He salvages every memory they had before and crying beneath his pillow wishing things will get better. Try to find all the courage that he have lost, and regain the strength that fade away. She had become the inspiration for him to get up and ignite the fire inside his spirit to move on

“His night thought become his motivation, and now he is ready to start all over again.”

The Last One

THE LAST ONE

In the sorrow of divine, there is something that we need to conclude from it. Something we all going to miss out from it. We surely understand the term of love which, one and another have to sacrifice their hope and dream. Those love will never be replaced by another, and the sadness continue to haunt every memory that we had together. The time we spent have fade away like a million fireflies that never to be seen.

Do not cry for something that we did not even know. Cause the tears will become a hatred to each other that consume the emotion of us. Something we know before, is going to be the roses to the garden of oblivion. Close your eyes and remember that, the love we use to have will surely going to miss both of us. Be sure, everything that we been through is a motivation for us to keep on living.

          Unintended act has ruin everything that we been planning the whole time. Those Castle of Immortality has cast a spell on me long time ago that love is not going to be last long for every person that I met. And I started to wonder what the points to love again when you already tried for a dozen time make yourself right up again. Maybe it is not the time yet, to come up this thing again near the future.

          The person that I know to be me long ago is already gone away and never return from the oblivion realm. We surely miss the day went we were young, and when the stress never bothers us. Let just this be The Last One.

The Stars Ain't Bright Enough...

Stars?
Hey, I hope you're fine. It almost a week you didn't show up. I'm not sure if you got my thoughts or not. What do you up to now? Have the universe treat you well?

Stars?
Did you know that I have fall in love with this one girl. I really wanted to tell you that this girl was amazing and wonderful inside my eyes. She is like the "Liszt's Campanella" played by Beethoven.

Stars?
I wish that she would have the same feeling as I am. In fact, I've done my best to let her know how much I love her. But its turn out that she doesn't want me to be more than that.

Stars?
Am I making anything wrong. Where did I go wrong? I suddenly feel emotionless after that moment. I keep on wondering every minute that I have.

Stars?
I hope that someday she will get a better men than I am. Even though our destiny not mean to be together. At least, I have the chance to tell her how much I love her and how beautiful she is when I saw her.

Cause,
The Stars that I know Ain't Bright like it used to be

The Ocean of million thought

The Ocean of million thought

                Ocean, nevertheless conquer most of the earth surface with all its mighty. In the deepest part of the ocean remain mystery from the world that hidden something we do not even know. As goes the thought of someone mind. Inside that beautiful mind of yours, lies a million thought that surely only you know each of it. I wonder is there any of those thought remind you of myself. The nightmare of losing you keep haunting me ever since we walk our own path.

                All we planned before, is just a dream that will never going to happen by a single entity. The sorrow of the beating heart keeps on telling the mind to never let go the memories of us. And its triggered the emotion and feelings to admire her from the shadow, where you know that she is no longer mine. Maybe, this is where I should grow up from it, learn from it and never try to do it again in the near future. who knows, we will meet again in the future where we are less arguing about the past.

                So now, it just a matter of time that will define our destiny. Learn to appreciate life, as life can be much surprisingly miraculous to live on. Go outside there, meet some bunch of new people and try not to get so attach with them. Well, its no one fault to blame. It just me doing wrong with things that I should not do in the first place. But what I know is that, HE must have something planned for me and for us. Life is to short and promise me that you will do the same as I did. If we were meant to be together, I will be waiting for that time to come.

A year has passed and the memories will never fade. Thank you for all those love and memories we spent together. I will never forget and forgive me for my sins towards you.

Hope

Our life is like riding a roller-coaster, sometimes we go up to feel how good it is to be on the top and sometimes we go down really hard to feel how it is to be on the bottom of our life journey. In your life, there must be a time where you fall in love with someone. Someone that makes you felt the butterfly in the stomach. Someone that makes your day written with full of joys and happiness. Isn’t that great to be like that for eternity.

Like a stars brighten the night of sorrow, like the ocean of sadness wash away all the pain in our heart. My night is full of a million thoughts. Living my life with a complete lies. My mind lost in the oblivion realm searching for the meaning of life. Its you who help me out escaping the  prison of frustration. You were the one that bring back the light of hope into the soul of emptiness. And I know, that I already falling for you through that moment.

But as the time moving forward, you began to changes. You started your journey without me. You were leaving, leaving everything behind for me to carry all the burden of desperation. But it’s okay, sometimes people need to change in order to become a better person. And for that, thank you for giving me the chance to feel how it is to fall in love again. I’ll be waiting for you even if it takes some times.